Couples Therapy

Some couples come to therapy because they keep having the same argument. Some come because something has happened: an affair, a betrayal, a discovery that has knocked everything sideways. Many come because they can feel themselves drifting and don’t know how to stop it. Whichever it is, you’re not the first to sit in sessions feeling the way you do, and it isn’t too late to work out what happens next.

I work with couples using the Developmental Model and Transactional Analysis. Between them, they help explain how you got here, what keeps happening when you try to talk about it, and what story each of you has been telling yourselves along the way.

Why it keeps happening. Relationships develop through stages, a bit like people do. At the start you’re in sync, finishing each other’s sentences. Then real differences turn up (money, time, what “a quiet weekend” means), and it can feel as though something has gone wrong. Usually it hasn’t. You’ve reached a normal, if uncomfortable, stage, and plenty of couples get stuck there, having one argument on repeat with different props. The Developmental Model gives us a map. Once we know where you are, we can see what each of you needs to build to move on: speaking up for yourself without starting a fight, hearing a different view without taking it as an attack, and staying connected when things get tense. Those are skills, and skills can be learned.

When trust has been broken. An affair isn’t a normal growing point, and I won’t treat it as one. It causes real hurt, and that hurt needs to be taken seriously. Understanding the wider picture of the relationship can help, but it never excuses a betrayal, and it never makes the person who was hurt responsible for it. Where there has been infidelity or another breach of trust, we make room for what happened, including the anger, the questions and the shock, at a pace you can both manage. From there, we look at whether and how trust could be rebuilt, and what each of you would need in order to want to try.

What it looks like in the room. When things get tense, most of us fall back on old habits. One of you becomes a disappointed headteacher, the other a teenager who has been told to tidy their room, and “I’m fine” is understood by everyone to mean the opposite. Transactional Analysis helps us spot those moments as they happen. It also shows how a familiar exchange can turn into a well-rehearsed routine, with the same lines, the same ending and the same sour feeling afterwards. Once you can see the pattern, you can step out of it and talk to each other as equals.

The story you’re telling about your relationship. Every couple has a narrative, even if nobody has said it out loud. “We’re just too different.” “We always end up here.” “I’m the one who does all the caring.” After a betrayal, the stories can be harsher: “It was all a lie.” “I should have seen it.” “I’m not enough.” “I can’t trust anyone.” In Transactional Analysis these stories are called scripts. We usually pick up the first drafts in childhood, from the families we grew up in and what we saw love look like, and we carry them into our relationships without noticing. Each of you has your own version, and the two don’t always match. Part of our work is bringing those stories into the open, asking where they came from and whether they’re still true, and then, if they’re not serving you, writing a different one together.

How the two work together. The Developmental Model tells us what your relationship is being asked to do at this point. Transactional Analysis tells us why that’s hard for each of you in particular.

Every stage asks something of both partners, such as speaking up about what you actually want, or tolerating a difference without taking it personally. But we don’t meet those challenges as blank slates. We meet them with scripts we learned long ago, such as “speaking up gets you rejected”, “needing people is a risk” or “if I don’t keep the peace, everything falls apart”. So one of you goes quiet, the other pushes harder, and you end up in the same old place, even though what the relationship needs is something quite different.

The Developmental Model shows us what needs to happen next. Transactional Analysis shows us what’s getting in the way, and gives you practical ways to catch it in the moment. As the old script loosens its grip, the developmental work gets easier, and as you build new skills, the old stories get harder to believe.

How I can help. Together we’ll:

• Make sense of what’s behind the arguments you keep having, or behind what’s happened, so it’s less of a fog
• Identify the stage you’re in and what each of you needs to move forward
• Spot the old scripts and roles you slip into, and practise doing something different
• Explore the stories each of you tells about yourselves and the relationship, and where they came from
• Make room for hurt, anger and difficult questions, including after an affair, without it spiralling
• Slow conversations down so you can say what you mean and actually hear your partner
• Work out whether trust can be rebuilt, and what that would take

What to expect. Sessions run for 90 minutes, which is longer than the usual therapy hour, and deliberately so. It gives us time to get past the polite opening, get into the things that matter, and still land somewhere useful before you leave.

Not sure you want to stay together? That’s allowed, and you don’t need an answer before you walk in. You may not know yet whether you can or want to rebuild, and you don’t have to decide in the first session, or the tenth. I can help you get clear, without pressure, on whether to stay or go. If separating is the right call, I can help you do it kindly and respectfully, especially where children or family will still be part of both your lives.

A space where you can say it. My sessions offer a calm, confidential space where you can both say the difficult things without it turning into a fight. I’m not here to take sides, and I won’t minimise what’s happened: hurt is taken seriously, and so is responsibility. You can arrive angry, unsure, hopeful or all three, and it’s all useful.

Most of us are better at rehearsing the perfect comeback in the shower than at saying the true thing to the person it’s about. Here, you’ll learn to say what’s hard in a way your partner can take in, and, in time, to listen to what you’re hearing with curiosity rather than as evidence for the prosecution. It’s a skill, it takes practice, and sessions are a good place to practise, because someone is there to slow things down before the volume goes up.

Bring whatever brought you here. We’ll work out what it’s really about, and start writing what comes next.